Often times we like to convince ourselves that we’re kind. We like to believe that we’re not one of the bullies, not someone who is leaving a legacy of cruelty wherever they go. We like to think our kindness towards others is something worth boasting about.

I hate being mean to people. I do. It’s probably my biggest pet peeve with humanity. But sometimes, being nice is worse than being mean. And when we’re too busy trying to convince ourselves we’re kind we aren’t even aware of how much harm we’re doing to others.

Christians Should Be Kind… To a Certain Point

Photo Credit: Todd Huffman

We’re told to be kind towards others. In fact, kindness is an important ingredient for following Jesus:

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. 10 Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.

Philippians 4:8-9

We’re supposed to be nice to others because God’s Spirit is producing this good fruit in our lives (see Galatians 5:22-23). We’re kind because it’s what Jesus was like (see Colossians 3:12) and He exemplified the greatest example of love (see 1 John 4:8).

And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. 16 Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful. 17 Let the message of Christ dwell among you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom through psalms, hymns, and songs from the Spirit, singing to God with gratitude in your hearts. 18 And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.

Colossians 3:14-17

But just as important are the warnings against not being kind:

Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. 16 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 17 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Phillipians 4:4-7

If you don’t take time to set aside in prayer and focus your heart, mind, body, and soul on His loving-kindness and peace, you will experience more anxiety and worry than those who don’t have a relationship with Jesus.

So you can see that being kind to others is a virtue that, when left unchecked, can become a vice: something that hurts us.

Kindness Can Be Subtle and Slow

Not only does it hurt us, it can also hurt others. It can come off as insincere. And when people have something really hurtful going on in their life, being kind to them isn’t the solution for it.

This is especially prevalent when we tell ourselves we are so kind all the time and we try to project this image, or what we perceive as kindness, onto others. When we take on an “above-it-all” mentality and we attempt to distance ourselves from other people’s drama, we can actually end up causing them to become more anxious or upset. Because what we’re really doing is the whole “pull-myself-up-by-my-bootstraps” act.

And when we tell someone how much better they should do life, that can come off as unkind and condescending. This is because we are in-tuned with our own weakness and shortcomings; so when someone points those out to us, we take it as a personal assault. We take it as “you must think you’re better than I am,” which is something Jesus Himself cautioned against doing to others (see Luke 18:9-14).

Have you ever told someone else to stop being so mean? Or you thought so. That’s being cruel.

We think we are doing them a favor when we tell them they should do better. But that comes off as harmful to others because the person is already trying to figure out how to change. Sometimes people need to talk about their issues and frustrations so that they can find a solution that works for them. So when we shut them down it can hurt a lot more than doing something nice for them.

Conclusion

Being kind is a virtue, but it isn’t always the answer. It doesn’t solve the problems in our lives or in others’ lives. And instead of telling people they’re mean or nasty, we should take time to understand what is happening in their life and pray with them. We may not always be able to solve their problems, but prayer is always the first step. Sometimes prayer is all that’s needed to give the courage to tackle the hard things we often don’t want to. And when our legs grow weak and we feel like we cannot take another step, prayer is what gives us strength (see Phil 4:13).

Kindness isn’t the answer. Sometimes it’s what prevents us from getting to the real answers.