A pastor’s job description might read, “Work, work, work some more and somehow find the energy to give everything else you have to everyone else you know.” Of course, there is a much simpler way to summarize that job description. A pastor’s job is to love and lead God’s people to love Him. There is no more important job in the world. There is no more important job on the face of the earth. But loving and leading is hard work. The thing with work is that it is hard on its own, but becomes even harder when you refuse to ask for help. Pastoring comes with its fair share of burdens and struggles. And the sooner a leader recognizes that he needs help, the sooner he can begin to receive it.
Pastors often talk about the need to find someone they can be honest with. At the heart of that honesty is the need to ask for help when they are hurting and struggling. Many pastors assume that asking for help is a sign of weakness. But I can tell you from personal experience as a pastor and as a counselor that the harder you are on yourself, the harder it will be for others to help you.
1. You have been hurt and betrayed by others before
Many pastors have been hurt by other Christians. This alone is not a reason to never ask for help from others again, but it is certainly a reason to be careful who you ask. Pastors who have been hurt by others in ministry are slow to get help. They struggle to reach out to anyone. They tend to choose independence over dependence because they assume that it is better if they are on their own than having to ask another to lend a helping hand.
This reaction is common in a world filled with broken people and broken relationships. Think of it this way: a pastor’s experience of hurt and betrayal is a reason to slow down and be careful who he asks for help, not a reason to give up altogether.
2. You think you should figure it out for yourself
Pastors who think they should figure it out for themselves are often too prideful to let down their guards and allow others in the areas where they are struggling. This can be hard for pastors who are put on a pedestal. Sometimes the people they minister to expect them to be perfect. This creates a tension within the pastor because they want to be perfect for those around them, but they can’t maintain it in front of the public.
Pride keeps many pastors from being honest. Pride tells us we shouldn’t rely on anyone else to fix the problems in our lives. We can’t let others down if we don’t let them in on how we are doing or what we need in the first place. Many pastors will work harder to overcome things on their own rather than take an hour or so to meet with another man in their church.
3. You don’t have people around you who will encourage you
The greater the extent of your suffering the more difficult it is to get help. We tend to make the assumption that pastors are doing better than others because of their job. It is easy to feel like you should be doing better than others because of the public role you hold. The fact that you are doing things everyone else isn’t doing makes you feel like you should have a better understanding of the isues that plague you.
Your lack of understanding of what you are going through can lead to a reluctance to ask for help because you are hesitant to admit you don’t know how to deal with the issue at hand. The underlying truth here is that it is not about your inability to understand or deal with your problem, but your need to get help from people who are willing to show up for you and give you good counsel.
4. You believe you should deal with life on your own
Pastors can easily take on a “tough guy” persona and approach situations by assuming everything has to be done their way. Many pastors don’t think they need others, even God, to help them. This comes from a distrust of others. When trust is lost, many people tend to take on the responsibility of taking care of everything on their own. Pastoring is not for the faint of heart and a distrust of others can make it harder to find help.
5. Your job doesn’t allow for time to find someone to talk with
Many pastors are overworked, but the job description itself, regardless of how busy a pastor might be, gives a clear mandate for him to be available to others. Unfortunately, not all pastors see it that way. Rather, they see their job description as a mandate to do everything and keep every area of life safe and secure. Being too busy can prevent you from finding time to ask for help.
6. You are uncomfortable with any kind of openness with people
When you have been burned by others or have experienced the kind of hurt that hinders your ability to trust others it can lead to a closure in your ability to allow others to get close. For many pastors it means they avoid being close to others. They hide behind an identity that does not include others, but they claim to care for people as a whole. Often, this is true, but it is easier to focus on an area or group of people rather than to focus on the individual.
A pastor’s need for others to know that he needs help tends to be outweighed by his discomfort with openness. I am the first to admit that being an open person is not always easy, but the rewards when you take a risk and really open up about your life, allow others to be real with you, and allow others to love and help you, are incredible. I won’t say that being open is easy, but it is better than trying to do life alone and living under the pressure of not letting the people around you know how you really feel.
7. You feel like you need to be on your own
Some pastors overcompensate for the idea that they shouldn’t need help from others. They work so hard to meet expectations that they feel as though they should have their lives together and not need to seek help from others. Many pastors are too busy to notice the danger or toll their work is taking on them. They find it much easier to avoid the pain and live under the weight of their work rather than come to grips with what is holding them back.
The pain of living life without the ability to get help from others is too much to carry by yourself. As a pastor it can be easier to think of how much other people are depending on you than asking for someone to be there for you. But if you are strong for others and need the strength to keep going, you owe it to yourself and those who look up to you to reach out and find someone to help you.
Final Thoughts
I often hear pastors say that they can’t do their jobs unless they are willing to open up to others. Opening up doesn’t mean allowing everyone to have access to every part of your life, but allowing the right people to be there when you need them. I sometimes like to use a different type of analogy to pastors who are trying to figure out the best way to let people in and ask for help. Here is how I frame this idea of asking for help as a pastor:
“How does a pastor ask for help? Let’s compare it to how he gets help when he is in a slump or needs to hit the reset button. First, he has to hit the reset button. Then, he has to hit the spacebar and start again. When he does, he is able to let his guard down. He allows others into his struggle. He then starts to ask for help againn from the people around him. He knows that if he wants to get out of the slump and get some help he has to let others in and ask for help.”
It’s as simple as that. If you want to make the most of what you have, if you want to reach out and ask for help, you need to be honest with yourself and the people around you. You need to realize that you are not always strong enough to go it alone. You need to stop thinking that you have to figure out everything on your own. You need to understand that you are not better than anyone else and you deserve to have the time to rest, relax and recover. And you need to know that if you want to thrive, if you want to enjoy the life you have been given, you need to start asking for help when you need it.
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- I know it is easier said than done, but if you need help working through some of the struggles you are dealing with check out Online Counseling with me.